This month, things are going to change quite a lot for me. Next week I will be moving to Nagoya in Japan until Christmas!
It’s come around quite fast, of course, and where I thought I had lots of time to prepare, now I only have less than a week. I’ve had to move out of my apartment and put everything in boxes (because I’ll be coming back to Thailand) and have the mean task of searching around for small things that I have put somewhere but can’t find for the life of me, and desperately need to take with me in my suitcase. Sigh.
Whenever I have planned a big change in my life, I have never been particularly scared, just very excited about everything, and of course that’s why I have gone on and organised it. But fear has always crept in towards the date of the flight.
I’m not panicking about the change, yet. I’ve had a few dreams where I wasn’t ready for certain different situations and in the dream I panicked a lot, got angry with myself and with other people, but during the day everything is normal. I’m enjoying reading up on Nagoya and planning trips out from the city. I know it’s coming though – a few nights before I go I will absolutely not be able to sleep for worrying about every single little thing, I might repack several times, and the night before I go my stomach will be churning over and over and I will possibly feel very ill. Anxiety and doubt have already seeped in somewhere without me knowing it, and are planning their attack right now, I can feel it.
And I’ll say goodbye at the airport and get on the plane, and arrive in Japan and I’ll be fine. Because I always have been before. Because I always am. Because everything always pans out somehow.
And because fear lies.
I just have to suffer for a little while before getting on with it and enjoying myself.
I’ve learnt that it’s pointless to wish to eliminate fear altogether. Fear will always pop up and say hi. There’s not a lot I can do about it other than choose to push past it. In any case, life would be pretty boring without fear, wouldn’t it?
So here’s to the future, fear. Know that I don’t really believe you.
I don’t think I do anyway…